This is a story made by a friend, most of you who read this will know him. For this is the first part of "Jarred's midnight stories"
Another fine weekend is over and now its time for another evil Monday to start. I slowly drag my lifeless legs toward my locker, thinking that if I can just get to class I might be able to fall asleep and if I’m lucky senior won’t ask me any Spanish questions. Just as I’m starting to close my locker I hear a small noise in the back somewhere behind my math book. Immediately I know that today isn’t going to be a good day. Reaching behind my back with my left hand I pull my 9mm free and cock it getting a bullet ready in the chamber. Pulling my trusty yardstick out of my pocket I cautiously prod the abomination I call my pre-calc book out of its corner. Nothing, not a thing out of place, I didn’t know what I was expecting to find but you never know what class of demon the abomination might summon forth from the lower regions of the abyss. “Hey, you ready to go?” I spin around and shove my glock back into its holster hoping my friend didn’t notice I was prodding my math book with a stick again.
As I turn my back on my locker disaster strikes. Too late I hear the bloodcurdling roar that emits from my locker. Spinning I throw myself between my friend and the charging squirrel trying to shield her from the onslaught that I know is coming. As I fly through the air I rip my 9 free and drop the enraged rodent before it could pick out its first victim. Shoving my friend into the Spanish room with orders to lock the door and not open it until she hears the secret knock, I run to the nearest window to see what all the yelling outside was about. Upon reaching the window my fears are confirmed, the squirrel invasion has begun. As I look out I see the legion coming from everywhere, marching out of the forest, emerging from the sewers, leaping from hidden tunnels in the walls of the school, and parachuting from the sky to rain chaos upon the poor masses.
Suddenly I hear an explosion down the hall and a scream. Running out into the hall I see my friend being dragged away with my other classmates. I run down the hall and lunge into the men’s room hoping that the invading squirrel advance troops haven’t reached this far yet. Ducking into the room I sprint to the third stall and lock the door. Sitting on the toilet I grab the coat hanger on the door twist it to the left, flush twice, and sing “we all live in a yellow submarine.” The toilet lowers with me on it and another one takes its place. Now that I’m in my hidden fortress I start to prepare for my counter strike against the squirrel task force. Suddenly static and a high-pitched squeaky voice came over the loud speaker. “Attention little kid, you are able to hide from us for now but you can’t hide for ever. We have taken over the town and have decided to make this hub-of-all-evil that you call school our headquarters. If you turn yourself in now you won’t be harmed and will be taken with your friends to our nut mines to work the rest of your pitiful existence. You have five minutes to comply, if you haven’t submitted to our will by then your suffering will be endless. Have a nice day.”
Sensing that the annoying squeaks were finished I pushed stop on my mp3 player, attached a silencer to my 9mm, and begin to pack everything that I would need to drive the fury devils away, all the while doing as much damage to the school as humanly possible while making it still look like collateral damage, an unavoidable tragedy of war. I grab my pack and throw in a few million rounds of ammo, seventy pounds of C4, a roll of duck tape, a piece of cinnamon flavored floss, and a pack of 100 tooth picks. I place three twelve-inch balanced pointy sticks into a sheath on the back on my neck, and a rubber band and a paperclip into a holster on my ankle. With all of my supplies ready I walk over to the TV and turn it on. After watching a three hour special of Yu-Gi-Oh I walk over to the box of tissues, pull out three, blow my nose to the tune of “shave and a hair cut”, and tap my foot twice saying “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.” A panel slides open on the wall and I step through into the assistant principal’s office.
Silently I shape the paperclip, attach the rubber band, and pull out a toothpick. The poor unfortunate retch sitting behind the monitors didn’t stand a chance. Pulling the pick out of the lifeless back I wipe the blood on its body and put the pick back into its box. Lunging out the door, I do a two and a half summersault with a half twist and land upside down on one hand while the other hand pulls my gun and quickly pick off two more rodents while they were enjoying a coffee break. I make my way down the hall and duck into the auditorium just as a patrol scurries by. Breaking the lock on a side door I climb the stairs to the catwalks on the ceiling to get a better viewpoint. Looking down I gaze in awe at numbers of disease infested hairy rats I see massed below. I strategically place the seventy pounds of C4 throughout the room to get maximum damage, which is my desired effect when I finally set it off. I climb out into the hall and, after making sure that I haven’t been spotted, duck into the Gym.
After climbing to the top of the stairs I pick out a hiding place, pullout my laptop, and wait for a patrol to come. After beating final fantasy 1-11, and beating Diablo 2 in normal and nightmare mode with my Amazon, a patrol finally shows up. As the mass of four-legged creatures start marching past I pump my arm and three squirrels marching in the front column suddenly drop to the ground with pointy sticks protruding from their bodies. Pandemonium breaks out as another five drop with toothpicks in their backs. Six more drop before they are finally able to figure out where the volley of deadly pointy things are coming from. Turning toward me they charge up the stairs squeaking battle cries and dropping dead as I send flight after flight of toothpicks out of my paperclip and rubber band bow into the mass of charging fur.
All slain, except one, we circle eyeing each other growling, trying to get an advantage over each other. I can see the bloodlust in the squirrel’s eyes as it calculates its next move. Suddenly it lunges for my leg and quick as lightening I pull my glock and splatter the thing while it’s still in the air. Suddenly I have an idea and after replacing all of my toothpicks and pointy sticks I sit down to a nice roast and then take off for the lunchroom. Entering the cafeteria I pull out a few bottles and fill them halfway with the schools soup and then stuff some rags into the top. With my Molotov’s finished I head in the direction of the media center to try and take out their barracks. Kicking in the doors of the media center with a flaming Molotov in each hand I dish out the soup of the day and laugh at the bursts of flame among the tents and supplies of the squirrel mercenary camp. Retreating back to the nearest classroom I draw my bow, nock five toothpicks, and wait patiently for the squirrels to come.
Remembering my C4 I decide to detonate the charges hoping that most of the squirrels are still in the room to receive the blunt of my carefully placed charges. Staring at the door and waiting I suddenly remember that the squirrels have many tunnels hidden within the walls, turning swiftly I make it in time to see the legions emerging from the wall behind the fridge. Quickly I release my volleys of toothpicks into the throng. With my toothpick stash depleted I pull my heat and start emptying clip after clip into the charging brown sea of fur. Once I fire my last round I draw my sticks and jump into the fray slashing with a crazed frenzy.
Amazed and frightened by the stabby pointy blur tearing through their ranks the last few squirrels turn tail and run for the safety of their nut mines. With the battle over with I realize I’m going to need more weapons so I leave the school behind and head into the forest with my knife and start creating my new arsenal of stabby pointy things. With a bag full of pointy sticks and a sword strapped to my side I slowly stalk toward the nut mine located in town behind Lances the whole time using guerrilla tactics to drive the now panicked squirrel army. When I reached the mines I tore through the halls delivering stabby death to any squirrel in my path as I searched for the squirrel leader that I knew had to be hiding somewhere in the lower levels.
After clearing the entire mine and freeing the enslaved populace I still couldn’t find the leader. Pouting I turned and walked toward the exit of the cave, wondering why I couldn’t find its hidden lair. Just as I was walking out into the daylight I noticed a door that was just two feet into the mine with a sign above it that read “The Boss”. After staring at the door for a few days trying to figure out why the stupid squirrels would go against the tradition of having the boss lair at the extreme bottom of the dark depths of their tunnels. As we all know, the boss must be hidden in the lowest extremity of any cave so that the hero will be able to gather the much needed experience that will enable him to pull off a victory over the insanely powerful yet barely beatable fiend, as stated in the rules of any adventure manual.
I finally decided that a mere mortal no matter how superior his intellect may be could never hope to understand the logic of the squirrel. If one were to try it wouldn’t take long before the unfortunate souls mind would explode from the attempt at sorting through the jumble and garbled mess that is the dominion of a squirrels thoughts. Walking into the room I stop in shock at not seeing the hideous tyrant anywhere in the room. Searching through every shelf, desk, and trashcan I try to find some clue as to where the monster could be. After looking through every conceivable hiding place I sit down on a small end table, disgusted at not being able to find anything. Just as I’m about to breakdown into uncontrollable sobbing I look down and see a small sheet of paper sitting in plain sight on the table with a pen beside it.
Looking around and, making sure that no one saw my little display of emotions I compose myself and read the note. “I’m sorry to do this to you but you took too long just standing there staring at my door thinking about who knows what that I had to leave. I’m sorry for the inconvenience but I have another appointment and really must be going. I hope you will forgive my not telling you in person but after several attempts at trying to get your attention but not being able to crack the unconscious stupor that had come over you; I decided that this would be the best course of action. I hope you will not be too mad at me. I would like to extend an invitation to you to meet me at my summer home in Malibu on lets say… the 17th of April? If it is an inconvenient day for you then here is my number. You can call and we can set a date that is acceptable for all parties involved. Please keep in touch. 1-800-IM-FLUFY”.
Cramming the note into my pocket I begin to pace, trying to decide what to do. Well, if that’s the game he wants to play then so be it. Unfortunately for the time being I must sit back and wait, counting down the days until I will be able to finish this conflict so that life can get back to normal. There will be no rest, for evil still roams the land and all shall not be safe until I see the hideous monster that is the squirrel army tactician brought to justice.
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